Conclusion

The Mike Story
	Let me tell you the story about Mike. Mike was 12 when he hit and pushed his Mom. She was a single mom and both parents took swift action, which is always important with domestic violence. It usually gets worse, not better if not dealt with right away.
	But then Mike’s parents didn’t talk to their son for 2 days. In fact, they called our office and on the 45-minute drive she didn’t talk to her son. You see she didn’t know how to end the discipline time. I met with the Mom and I listened to her tell me about the experience she’s had with Mike. Then I said, “Let me meet with Mike alone and we’ll see where we go from here.
	As I met with Mike, it was clear that he was repentant but he didn’t know how to end the time either. I said, “Mike, when you hurt someone in a relationship what should you do? 
	“Say you’re sorry.”
	“Yes, but that’s a third-grade response. Would you like to hear about a mature apology?”
	“Okay.”
	“Let me ask you some questions. What did you do wrong?”
	“I hit and pushed my mom.”
	“Okay. And Why is it that wrong?” 
	“You shouldn’t hit and push your mom.”
	“Yes, that’s true but let me give you a couple of other reasons why it’s not a good idea to hit and push your mom. It’s not a good response to authority and it’s not a good response to correction. What are you going to do the next time you find yourself in that situation?”
	Mike thought about it for a moment and then said, “I’ll talk about it instead of hitting.”
	“Good, Mike. Let me form that into a mature apology for you. You might say something like this: Mom, I realize it was wrong for me to hit and push you. It was wrong because it’s not a good response to correction or to authority. If I ever find myself in that kind of situation again, I’ll talk about it instead of hitting. Would you please forgive me?
	“We use that last statement, Would you please forgive me? In the mature apology instead of the Go ahead and try again in the Positive Conclusion.”
	Mike and I practiced his mature apology four times until he had it down. Then I told him, “Mike, the mature apology touches a person’s heart. I’m going to have your mom come in here and you can share it with her. After she responds to you I’ll send her back out and we’ll talk about what happened.”
	I went out and got Mom. She reported later that she thought she was coming in and that I was going to be the referee while she and her son argued. She sat down on the chair and Mike was on the couch. I said, “Mike has something he’d like to share with you.” Mike shared the mature apology with his mom that we’d practiced.
	Mom began to cry. And then she said, “And I want to apologize to you too for ripping the CD out of your hand.” She hadn’t told me that she’d done that. Then Mom got up and went over the couch and put her arm around her son and sat there with him for a moment.
	I said, “Mom, why don’t you go outside and let me talk to Mike some more.” 
I said, “Mike, what did you see?” 
	“She started crying.”
	“Yes, it’s because a mature apology touches a person’s heart. What else did you see?”
	“She apologized for ripping the CD out of my hand.”
	“Yes, and she didn’t even tell me that she had done that. You see, Mike, that’s what happens with a mature apology. The other person then wants to deal with their part of the problem. You initiated something very important with your mom there. What else did you see?”
	“She wanted to hug me.”
	“That’s right. She wanted to reconnect with you so she wanted to give you a hug. Mike you can use this mature apology with your dad, with your brothers, at school with teachers or counselors. It’s a great way to deal with offenses.”
	And the mature apology comes from the Positive Conclusion.

The Positive Conclusion teaches children a very important skill they’ll use even as adults. Learning how to process offenses is so important. Even adults beat themselves up when they make a mistake. “I’m such an idiot. I’ll never get it right.” They would do better to ask the question, “What did I do wrong?” “Why was that wrong?” “What am I going to do differently next time?” and “Go ahead and try again.”

God and Jesus end discipline times positively over and over again. After the sin in the garden God gave Adam and Eve a hope of someday the seed of the woman would crush the serpent’s head. The woman caught in adultery, the woman at the well are other examples. Jesus by the sea of Galilee after the resurrection asks Peter three times, “Do you love me?” Three times Peter says, “Yes,” and Jesus says, “Feed my lambs,” “Tend my sheep.” What was Jesus saying? “Come on Peter we’ve got a kingdom to build. And who was it on Pentecost that God chose to speak and have 3000 people receive Christ? It was Peter, the guy who often made mistakes. A Positive Conclusion helps children know that we believe in them and that mistakes aren’t fatal.

Conscience
There are three parts to the conscience. First, when we do what we’re supposed to do we can say to ourselves, “Okay, you’re free to go.” Just like in the end of the Instruction Routine. When we make a mistake we’re dealing with the second part of the conscience, “Okay, go ahead and try again.” Both of these things we can do every day and they contribute to a clear and strong conscience in a child. It’s a gift we give to our kids.

At any age
Some well-meaning people tell us that a child’s self-concept is determined by five years old. These people tell us this to motivate us to work hard with our kids when they are young. But what if my kid is 6? Is it too late? Some well-meaning people tell us that a child’s value system is developed by the time the child is 12. What if my child is 13? Is it too late? Those are humanistic views of child development. I want you to know that we believe in a God who can change people at any age. God changes people who are 5 and 8 and 12 and 15. And God changes people who are 18 and 30 and 42. God delights in changing people and where does he start? He starts right in the heart. It’s never too late for God to change the heart of your child. Hang in there and do the hard work of parenting. You are engaged in the greatest partnership in the world. The partnership between God and you to touch the heart of a child.

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