Navigating Big Emotions: Anger

One summer afternoon, the Harris family gathered for their weekly game night. As the game progressed, young Jackson’s frustration began to boil over. Whenever he lost a round in the game, He clenched his fists, his face flushed with anger, and soon, he was shouting at his siblings. Jackson’s parents tried to help him calm down and told him not to get so angry since it was only a game, but despite their efforts, Jackson’s anger only intensified, leading to a full-blown meltdown that ended game night for everyone. This scenario was unfortunately an everyday occurrence in the Harris family. Jackson’s struggles with managing his big emotions, particularly anger, had become a recurring, and seemingly insurmountable, challenge in family life.

God’s Purpose for Angry Emotions

Anger, like all emotions, is a God-given emotion. Anger is not in itself bad, but it is often used poorly by children, and even adults at times. Anger’s purpose, like all emotions, is to serve as a signal to our hearts. The signal that anger sends to the heart is that something is wrong.

Anger comes in many sizes including feeling frustrated, irritated, or upset, and on the stronger side, feeling mad, angry, furious, or enraged. What all of these angry emotions have in common is that they cause a person’s heart to want to take action right now because something is wrong and needs to be fixed.  But that’s often the last thing the person should do at the moment.

Ephesians 4:26-27 tells us, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” So it is not sinful to feel angry emotions but it is dangerous to act upon angry feelings without first processing the emotion in a healthy way and seeking God’s counsel. Psalm 103:8 reminds us, “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” 

So the goal for children is not to eliminate all anger but rather to grow in grace and patience while also listening closer to their body signals for when they begin feeling angry so they can identify why they are feeling that way and chart a peaceful course forward.

Finding Heart Solutions

Children struggling with anger need to develop a greater tolerance for irritants such as tasks, assignments, people, and noises. They also need to learn the art of forgiveness and letting things go. Many children, and even some parents, grapple with navigating big emotions like anger. Fortunately, God provides families with seven heart tools to foster lasting change at the heart level that can be applied to addressing anger.

1. Relationship: Building a closer relationship with your child can counteract the pressure they feel in their heart. Empathize with and acknowledge their emotions, ensuring your child knows you are on their side. This sense of solidarity can be incredibly comforting and grounding.
2. Visioning: Help your child visualize the benefits of being peaceful. Discuss how maintaining calmness can lead to better outcomes now and in the future. This perspective can motivate them to strive for peacefulness.
3. Firmness: Use firmness alongside calming tools and a workable correction routine to interrupt and alter the anger cycle. Establishing clear boundaries and consistent responses can help children understand and manage their anger.
4. Prayer: Pray for your child, asking God to teach them how to live at peace with everyone. Use memory verses to reinforce what God says about anger and peace, grounding your child’s emotional journey in faith.
5. Teaching: Practice appropriate responses and words with your child. Educate the entire family on how to respond when someone is angry. Find moments to honor each other to reinforce positive behavior and emotional health.
6. Coaching: Before entering potentially anger-inducing situations, provide a heads-up and make a plan. Ask questions that promote peace and give positive feedback when your child responds correctly. Offer redirecting feedback when necessary, guiding your child towards better emotional responses.
7. Transferring Responsibility: Involve your child in developing a plan for change. Encourage them to come up with calming strategies and better responses. This empowers them to take ownership of their emotional growth.

Solutions that Bring Heart Change that Lasts

After applying many of these heart tools consistently, Jackson and his family began to see positive changes. Jackson’s angry outbursts gradually became less frequent and less intense. Jackson also learned how to recover from these moments more effectively. He learned to pause, identify his emotions, and make a plan to move forward. Even family game nights went better.

For parents facing similar challenges, there is hope and help available. Download your free copy of “Your Child’s Roadmap for Navigating BIG Emotions“, a 23-page parenting resource filled with printable posters and practical, heart-based tools and strategies. This resource will empower you and your child to navigate big emotions effectively, fostering greater peace in your family life. Start your journey towards emotional health and harmony today.

B.J. Meurer has worked with families for over 25 years as an elementary educator, biblical parenting coach/presenter, and digital course creator. He has coached families with children of all ages and stages facing a wide variety of emotional, mental, and biological challenges and helped them discover and personalize the practical heart-based tools and strategies that bring about positive change in their families. You can find many more of B.J.’s parenting resources and videos at JesusHelpMeParent.com and the Jesus, Help Me Parent YouTube channel. B.J. coaches through The National Center for Biblical Parenting and lives in Pennsylvania with his wife Rachel and their 8 children. He and his family enjoy camping, reading books, storytelling, and going on homeschooling adventures together.