When Your Child Wants to Lead—but Refuses to Follow

Every parent has faced that moment. You give a simple instruction—“Turn off the game,” “Get in the car,” “Take your plate to the sink”—and instead of action, you get resistance.

Sometimes it’s blatant: “No, I’m not doing that.”

Other times it’s quieter but just as real: eye-rolling, arguing, stalling, or flat-out ignoring you.

This kind of defiance can feel maddening. It disrupts family life, erodes your authority, and creates a power struggle that nobody wins.

But what if the problem isn’t just disobedience? What if, beneath the surface, your child’s defiance is revealing something more—a heart that’s trying to lead but hasn’t yet learned how to follow?

That one insight can change everything.

A Misguided Leader in the Making

Some children are naturally strong-willed. They’re driven. Passionate. They don’t want to be told what to do—and they often think they know a better way. These children are wired for leadership, but leadership without training becomes a dangerous thing.

That same strong will that might one day guide a team or inspire a movement is, for now, often used to avoid responsibility, resist correction, or manipulate family dynamics.

As one dad told me, “My son is like a little terrorist in our home—he argues about everything, demands his way, and tells us how things should go.” I responded, “Sounds like you’ve got a future leader on your hands.” We laughed, but then got to work shaping that raw leadership potential into something healthy.

If you’re parenting a strong-willed or defiant child, you’re not trying to break their spirit. You’re trying to train their heart. And one of the first lessons every good leader must learn is how to submit to authority—to follow before they lead.

The Biblical Foundation for Following

Ephesians 6:1 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” And Colossians 3:20 adds, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”

God isn’t just trying to keep kids in line with these verses. He’s doing something deeper. He knows that obedience trains the heart to develop crucial life skills:

• Giving up personal agendas
• Responding to authority with humility
• Submitting to others out of reverence for Christ
• Learning the rhythm of responsibility and reward

When we help our children obey, we’re not just asking them to clean their room—we’re building the foundation for how they’ll respond to a boss, a spouse, a pastor, or God Himself later in life.

That’s why we can’t overlook defiance or excuse it as “just their personality.” The strong will is a gift—but it needs shaping.

The Danger of Untrained Willpower

Unchecked defiance doesn’t magically disappear with age. A child who never learns to submit becomes an adult who:

• Resents authority
• Manipulates others to maintain control
• Bulldozes people instead of influencing them
• Sees correction as a challenge instead of a gift

An untrained leader often becomes a bad leader—one who inspires fear instead of trust.

That’s why as parents, we don’t just discipline defiance to stop it—we engage in heart-based training to transform it. We’re not just removing a phone or grounding a child for backtalk. We’re coaching them toward the kind of person they’re becoming.

Training the Heart to Follow

So what does that look like practically?

It starts with a mindset shift. Instead of seeing defiance as a fight to win, see it as an opportunity to coach.

Here are a few practical things you can do:

1. Teach the Standard Before the Battle

Talk about obedience and honor during peaceful moments—not just in the heat of conflict. Say things like,

“In our family, we don’t say ‘no’ to Mom or Dad. If you need to talk about something, we can do that respectfully. But the answer ‘no’ is not an option.”

2. Reinforce the “Yes” Response

Train your child to say, “Yes, Mom,” or “Yes, Dad,” when given a direction. This verbal response helps children break through resistance and align their hearts with cooperation.

3. Interrupt the Pattern Early

Don’t wait for the blow-up. Catch the early signs of resistance—grumbling, delay, sarcasm—and intervene with calm firmness.

4. Affirm Leadership Potential

Tell your child:

“I see that you’re strong, determined, and full of ideas. That’s great leadership material. But even great leaders have to learn how to follow first.”

5. Make Training a Lifestyle, Not a Lecture

Defiant children need practice, not just correction. Role-play respectful responses. Coach them through situations where they need to follow even when they don’t want to.

Remember: Training is stronger than punishment. When you train the heart, you get long-term results.

Hope for the Strong-Willed Child—and the Weary Parent

The goal isn’t blind obedience. It’s heart transformation.

You want your child to recognize when their resistance is out of line and make internal adjustments—not just because they fear losing their tablet, but because they’re learning to submit to something greater than themselves.

That kind of change takes time. But it also produces deep rewards—peace in your home, character in your child, and a stronger connection between you both.

So next time your child pushes back, remember:

Defiance reveals a heart that wants to lead—but hasn’t yet learned to follow.
Your job is to help them do both—with wisdom, grace, and consistency.

Want more practical, biblical strategies to handle defiance and other parenting challenges?

Watch the full webinar session and explore the 13-part series here:
https://biblicalparenting.org/how-a-heart-based-approach-works/

You’ll discover the tools, language, and mindset you need to lead your child’s heart—not just manage their behavior.

Because parenting isn’t about controlling—it’s about training.

And your child is worth it.