A Better Way to Give Instructions

If you’re like most parents, you don’t wake up hoping for another day filled with arguing, dawdling, forgetfulness, or resistance. Many parents give instructions all day long, but the act of giving an instruction often becomes the spark that ignites tension.

You ask your child to get their shoes, start homework, or clean their room, and instead of cooperation, you receive avoidance, debate, or emotional pushback. The problem is not that parents are failing to try; the problem is that families often lack a strategic way to approach these everyday interactions.

One of the most powerful ideas that parents learn in a heart-based approach to giving instructions is that they can turn them into moments of training and connection. A child’s response is shaped in large part by the way a parent engages at the beginning of the process. When you change how you lead, your child learns to follow in a new way. The shift doesn’t start with your child. It starts with you.

A New Way to Give Instructions

Most parents give instructions quickly and casually, assuming that words alone will get the job done. But children do better when expectations are predictable and relational. Let’s look at three parts of giving instructions. In fact, if you turn this into a script of sorts, and use it regularly, then your child learns what to expect. When you’re firm about the process, character starts to develop. Even using just one step of the routine can create a noticeable difference.

In this article, we’ll focus on Step 1: Get Close. It’s surprising how many problems are solved simply by changing your physical presence before giving an instruction.

Step 1: Get Close

Getting close either means you’re going to  move closer to your child, or your child is going to come when called. Either way, it means that the child is within a few feet, making eye contact if appropriate, and engaging relationally. This is leadership through presence, and it prepares the child’s heart to receive direction.

This may seem like a small detail, but its impact is significant. When parents call instructions from another room or shout them down the hallway, children respond with the same level of distance. They delay, ignore, or only half-listen. Children of all ages are easily distracted, and distance magnifies that problem. But when you move physically closer, your child’s mind and heart shift into a more attentive state.

Presence communicates value. It says, “This moment matters” and “You matter.” For younger children, getting close helps them focus. For older children and teens, it communicates respect and reduces the sense of being ordered around.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Imagine the morning rush. The old way might sound like, “Get your shoes on! We’re going to be late!” shouted from the bathroom. The new way looks different. You walk to your child, touch their arm gently, and say, “It’s time to get your shoes on now. What’s your first step?” That simple shift reduces chaos because it reduces emotional distance.

Or consider a tween who is absorbed in a video game. Instead of calling out, “Start your homework!” you walk into the room, pause the game, and say, “I need your attention for a moment. It’s homework time. What needs to happen first?” Engaging directly brings clarity and reduces the urge to argue or delay.

Even teenagers respond better when parents start the process with closeness. Instead of calling down the hall, “Unload the dishwasher,” you knock on the door, wait respectfully, and then say, “When you get a break in the next few minutes, you need to stop the computer and go into the kitchen and unload the dishwasher. Let me know when you start.” Teens appreciate being treated with dignity, and your presence helps them transition more smoothly.

Why Getting Close Works

Children are not resisting simply because they don’t want to cooperate. Many times, they are overwhelmed, distracted, or unsure how to move forward. Your physical presence provides the structure they need to shift into responsibility mode.

Getting close increases a child’s attentiveness. It reduces the likelihood of emotional reactivity. It substitutes connection for conflict. And it helps children of all ages feel guided rather than controlled. Over time, this practice strengthens important character qualities such as focus, responsibility, cooperation, and respect.

When parents get close, they are activating a heart-based strategy. They are choosing leadership instead of frustration. Kids don’t suddenly become compliant overnight, but they do learn faster, respond better, and grow stronger when instructions begin with relational presence.

Even with a healthy routine, some children will still resist. Strong emotions, habits, and immaturity can get in the way. But when you start with closeness, you help your child access higher thinking rather than reacting impulsively. If a child argues, you can calmly remind them, “We’re not arguing now. Let’s go back to the plan.” If they avoid, you can ask, “What’s the next step?” If they become upset, you can say, “I’m right here. Let’s work through this together.”

The plan becomes the authority, not your tone of voice or your emotions.

Practicing Coming When Called

Although we don’t believe all children must instantly stop what they’re doing and come when called, we do believe that some children would benefit from a strict approach to this as a therapy approach. When I say “therapy” I’m referring to practice sessions, learning new patterns of response.

When you require the child to come immediately when you call, then you’re increasing the inner sense of obligation. Instead of just doing what they feel like doing, now, the child is learning how to wrestle with the I need to versus the I don’t want to. And when the I need to wins in any of our lives, we call that responsibility. So, we’re teaching children something very important when we require them to come when called right away.

Obligation is such a valuable quality and many children don’t have enough of it. Coming when called teaches children to give up their agenda, a very important part of maturity and cooperation. In fact, coming when called is the first step in emotional management.

Just think about it. If your child has a problem with anger, anxiety or disappointment, they must learn to let it go for their own emotional health. Every time you call a child’s name, and they’re involved in something and have to let it go, they’re becoming more emotionally flexible. The ramification of this are huge.

I’m convinced that God is hidden within obedience, the secret ingredients, the children need to be successful in life. Sometimes a firm approach in this area for a while is needed to help children develop life skills in other areas.

Many parents cater to their child’s weakness by tiptoeing around their emotional challenges. Although we want to be sensitive to our kids and not become militant, sometimes practice in this area is what is needed and firmness helps bring that about.

Even older children can learn to be attentive even if we don’t require that they come when called. The principle here has to do with relationship. We don’t yell across the house. When we want to talk or give instructions we do so in the context of relationship. Sometimes you’ll get close to your child, and other times you’ll require your child to come to you.

When parents lead with presence, children learn to follow with confidence. This is how you move from daily battles to daily growth. It’s how you build lasting character in your child. And it’s one of the most practical ways to put a heart-based approach into action. This is just one of the many ideas that come from the THRIVE Parenting Course offered here.