Solving the Parenting Conflict: Relationship or Firmness?

by BJ Meurer

Dad watched as Jacob and Mom went at it again. There was Mom letting Jacob off the hook again. Dad was convinced that all Jacob needed was some serious consequences to get him to straighten up. A few hours later, Dad had his chance, and boy did he dish out the consequences for what Jacob tried to pull this time. Mom stood by and watched quietly, feeling uneasy about how firm Dad was being with Jacob. She just knew Jacob felt disconnected and needed more support.

This went on daily but neither Mom nor Dad talked about it. They learned years ago not to. Mom felt crushed the last time Dad said anything about how soft she was with Jacob, and Dad felt disrespected when Mom tried to stop him from dishing out consequences.

Both knew this wasn’t what God intended, but neither had any idea how to move forward.

Different Strengths in Parenting

God often brings together a husband and wife where one parent specializes in using relationship in discipline and the other in firmness. Early on, they try to be on the same page, but as the children grow older and misbehavior becomes more complex, each parent often defaults to what they believe is best.

At first, they will try to help each other, but that “help” often comes at the wrong times and leads to fights. Each parent learns not to say anything but believes in their heart they are right.

“She just needs to be firmer with Jacob.”

“He just needs to be more graceful with Jacob.”

They say only to themselves … and a chasm develops. Communication about parenting either becomes negative or stops altogether.

A Multifaceted Approach

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Children need both relationship and firmness as part of a multifaceted approach to parenting that focuses on the heart.

It’s important to set firm and clear boundaries, especially in areas where our children struggle. This approach teaches and nurtures them, helping them develop wisdom and character that align with God’s principles. Firmness should not be cold or harsh.

But discipline should always be rooted in a loving relationship. When it becomes necessary to increase discipline, it’s equally important to increase moments of fun, affirmation, and closeness. These elements must work together. A balanced approach that includes love and encouragement creates a nurturing environment where children feel secure and valued.

God’s Example

Romans 5:8 tells us that God demonstrated His own love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. God starts with love and builds a relationship first. God does not expect us to change prior to a relationship with Him. He began working on a relationship with us while we were still sinners.

But Hebrews 12:6 tells us that God disciplines those that He loves. There will be times when God confronts us about our sin and desires for us to change. Yet when God calls us to repentance for our sin, He has this amazing way of making clear that our sin is not acceptable and yet we are always loved. A prayer of repentance with Jesus should lead us to feeling more loved and closer to Him than when that prayer time began. This is our goal in parenting as well.

Our children don’t need parents who have this perfect balancing act between relationship and firmness figured out because the truth is that these two heart tools are not in tension with one another. They are designed to work together. Our children need parents that love them deeply and are relationally close enough that when they need to be firm, those moments end in closer relationships. Even when we’re correcting, we need to be connecting.

A New Beginning

Fortunately for Jacob, his parents decided to start learning about using a heart-based approach to parenting. They began reading books and watching some videos, and this opened up lines of communication between Mom and Dad that had been closed for years.

As Mom and Dad learned about the different heart tools God’s given parents, they began talking about how to use these heart tools with Jacob. The conversation was no longer about what each of them thought the other was doing wrong. Instead, it was about Jacob’s heart, what it needed, and how they could start using these heart tools together to bring about lasting change. As they got to work and saw positive changes, Jacob’s parents realized that their different parenting styles did not need to be at odds. In fact, God wanted them to learn from each other.

Resource for Parents

If you’d like to change the conversation between you and your spouse about discipline or just want to learn more about these heart tools, check out this online parent video resource: Connected Cooperation and start learning the basics of bringing about heart change in your children.

B.J. Meurer has worked with families for over 25 years as an elementary educator, biblical parenting coach/presenter, and digital course creator. He has coached families with children of all ages and stages facing a wide variety of emotional, mental, and biological challenges and helped them discover and personalize the practical heart-based tools and strategies that bring about positive change in their families. You can find many more of B.J.’s parenting resources and videos at JesusHelpMeParent.com and the Jesus, Help Me Parent YouTube channel. B.J. coaches through The National Center for Biblical Parenting and lives in Pennsylvania with his wife Rachel and their 8 children. He and his family enjoy camping, reading books, storytelling, and going on homeschooling adventures together.