A Better Way to Change Behavior

Let’s think in terms of strategy for a bit. To do that let’s consider that your child is at Point A and you’d like to move that child to Point B. Maybe your child argues whenever you give an instruction. Maybe a teen shuts down when corrected. Maybe a younger child melts down when the answer is no.

These patterns drain energy and create tension, and it is easy to feel like your entire day becomes a series of firefights. But what if Point A is not the real problem? What if it is actually an invitation to something deeper God wants to build in your child’s heart?

Strategy allows you to step back, understand what is happening inside your child’s heart, and lead them toward growth. Instead of eliminating Point A behavior, we help parents identify Point B, the character quality that will move a child forward in life. If a child is unkind to a sibling, Point B might be kindness. If a child resists instructions, it may be cooperation or responsiveness to authority. These character qualities do not just solve the immediate problem. They strengthen a child for the future.

This one idea changes your parenting. You become much more positive because you are moving your child toward something good, something helpful, and actually a life skill that will serve them for the rest of their lives. Instead of focusing on the negative with the continual “Stop that mentality,” you’re now correcting and training toward something better.

This idea mirrors the way God works with us. Scripture says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 that old things pass away and new things come. Philippians 3:13–14 reminds us that spiritual growth involves leaving what is behind and moving toward the goal. God consistently leads His children from Point A to Point B, not through shame or force, but through purposeful transformation.

Parenting works the same way. When we identify the quality our child needs and create a plan to build it, we help them move forward with hope instead of discouragement. If you’re with me so far, then your next question has to do with the HOW. So, let’s go there in our strategic thinking model.

Character Development Is a Pattern of Thinking and Acting

Once you identify the behavior that needs to change, ask yourself, “What character quality does my child need that, if developed, would extinguish that behavior. It might be kindness, thoroughness, cooperation, responsiveness to authority, or graciousness. Think about it this way. A character quality is not a single behavior. It is a pattern of thinking and acting in response to a challenge.

A patient child thinks and acts differently than an impatient one. A child who is developing responsibility thinks and acts differently from one who avoids tasks. When you consider your own child, look past the frustrating behavior and ask, “What is this telling me about the character quality they lack?” That answer points you toward your Point B.

This shift brings incredible relief for parents. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by recurring misbehavior, you now have a direction. Point A simply becomes the signal that tells you where to work. And when you name the specific character quality your child needs, you gain clarity. You also gain compassion. The focus is no longer “How do I stop this behavior?” but “How do I help my child grow?”

Helping Children See Their Own Arena

Every child has an arena in the heart where battles take place. For one child the arena might be accepting a no answer. For another it may be anger, complaining, disrespect, or impulsiveness. Or maybe it’s living with an annoying sibling. It’s important to identify the arena because that’s where the action takes place. It’s where the internal battles happen in a person’s life. It’s the place where the character can be practiced and developed.

When you identify your child’s arena and name it for them, something powerful happens. They now know what they are working on. They understand the target. And they are far more prepared to make progress.

Imagine your four-year-old asks for cookies. You know this is the arena because they often respond poorly to no. Instead of reacting, you gently prepare them. You might say, “You have been practicing how to respond well when the answer is no. I might say yes or I might say no. Are you ready for either answer?” This small step gives your child mental space to think, not just react. You have brought the battle into the open where growth can happen.

Older children benefit from this same clarity. A teen who struggles with anger needs to work on self-control or even peace, recognizing that peace helps prevent anger from rising in the first place. A child who argues can work on cooperation. A child who shuts down can work on humility or honesty. Once the arena is identified, progress becomes measurable. Parents often report that the intensity of problems drops from a “ten to a four,” dramatically changing the family atmosphere.

Strategy Brings Hope to the Whole Family

Many parents tell us that reactive parenting leaves them exhausted. They feel like they are chasing misbehavior all day long. A heart-based strategy changes that. It replaces random reactions with intentional growth steps. It gives you a plan to follow, language to use, and a clear goal to measure. Parents become more hopeful. Children become more equipped. And the family begins to experience more peace.

Choose one character quality to work on for a couple of weeks. Not five. Not ten. Just one. Be specific and create a simple plan you share openly with your child. As they grow in that one area, you will see other problems diminish because you are addressing the deeper issue, not just the symptom.

This is one of the powerful realities of a heart-based approach. When the heart starts changing in one area, then other areas soften as well. It’s so encouraging to parents to take this approach. Most importantly, remember that the point of parenting is not simply to stop misbehavior. It’s to shape a child’s heart for life.

God is shaping your child’s heart just as He is shaping yours. And when you parent with strategy, you cooperate with the work God is already doing.

If you want to learn how to build this kind of strategy into your parenting, THRIVE! is the next best step. I created this course to give parents practical tools to focus on STRATEGY and that’s why parents love it.

THRIVE! is a practical, biblical course that teaches parents how to move children from Point A to Point B with confidence. You will gain tools, language, and step-by-step strategies that bring real change to family life.

Learn more or start today at app.BiblicalParenting.org/thrive